2RedBeans
What Happens to Those Who Sleep Together Before Falling in Love?
We met five times and slept together five times.
May met a guy in Seattle through a dating app. Each of their dates followed the usual routine—dinner, movies, shopping—but always ended up in bed.
They shared similar experiences and got along well, so whenever the mood was right, things just happened naturally. Yet, neither of them had brought up defining the relationship.
May explained, I’m 30 now, and every guy I meet is someone I’d consider marrying. But we’ve only seen each other a few times, and I still feel like I don’t know him well enough.
Photo by Nik on Unsplash(https://unsplash.com/helloimnik)
In the past, love letters were slow, and distances were vast—people loved only one person in a lifetime. Today, liberated attitudes toward sex and the rise of fast-paced romance challenge traditional notions of love.
It’s okay if the soul arrives late, but the body can take the lead. For modern young people, sex first, love later is no longer a rarity.
More and more young people are sleeping together first, then falling in love.
Recently, Professor Yu Jia from Peking University, along with scholars from several other universities, initiated the Survey on the Private Lives of Chinese People. The results from 7,733 questionnaires revealed significant shifts in the sexual attitudes of the Chinese population.
Among the post-90s generation, a considerable portion believe that sex can be purely about fulfilling physical needs and does not necessarily have to be tied to emotional connections.
The post-95s generation holds even more liberal views on sex, showing greater acceptance of premarital sexual activity. Their average age at first sexual experience is earlier than that of the post-70s and post-80s generations, and many even believe that sex and love can be entirely separate.
Gender-related survey results indicate that men are significantly more accepting of sex before love than women. While women’s attitudes toward sex have become more open with higher education levels and economic independence, 90 of women still stated they cannot accept sex without love.
Eileen Chang wrote in Lust, Caution: The way to a woman’s heart is through her vagina. Blunt, but true.
In the world of men, sex and love are often seen as separate entities, and their satisfaction with sexual activity is usually tied to its completion. For most women, however, love is the foundation of sex, and sexual satisfaction is more about emotional investment and fulfillment rather than just physical pleasure.
Photo by Nastia Petruk on Unsplash(https://unsplash.com/mineral_of_demon)
While sex first, love later has become increasingly common, the differing perspectives between men and women on intimacy often lead to concerns and dilemmas, especially among women:
We slept together on our first date, and now I regret it. He must think I’m easy…
We got intimate before officially committing, and now every time we argue, I can’t help but wonder—did he stop valuing me because it happened too soon?
He invited me on a trip. As adults, we both know what’s likely to happen. Emotionally, I don’t want to say no, but logically, it feels too fast…
In love, does it really matter whether sex or love comes first?
Whether love or sex comes first isn’t as important as you think.
For a long time, people have been fixated on assigning a rigid sequence to sex and love, as if deviating from it would lead relationships astray. In reality, love takes countless forms, with no fixed pattern whatsoever.
Some spend ample time nurturing love first, then weaving intimacy through sex, binding themselves even closer together. Others, without restrictions, explore physical connection first—only to unexpectedly discover a profound resonance between their souls, from which love blossoms wildly.
Ultimately, whether sex or love comes first doesn’t matter. What truly matters is the motivation behind sex and the person you share it with.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in psychology divides human desires into five levels, with the most fundamental being physiological needs. Like breathing, water, food, and sleep, sex is an instinct—an inherently low-threshold need. This is why some seek fleeting pleasure under the guise of love, chasing momentary gratification without deeper connection.
Moreover, if a relationship begins solely with sexual attraction, once the hormones fade and novelty wears off, conflicts in personality, values, and other core aspects can erupt instantly, leaving the bond vulnerable to collapse.
This is the risk of prioritizing sex before love.
Of course, if both parties are sincere, sex can also become the key to unlocking a relationship.
By unlocking intimacy, you’ll find it easier to lower your guard and better understand each other’s true needs and desires. In the experience of sex, you might discover a special connection between you, leading to a deeper understanding of one another—and eventually, falling in love.
So there’s nothing wrong with sex before love.
Photo by Artem Balashevsky on Unsplash(https://unsplash.com/abalashevsky)
Nowadays, with the flood of social apps, meeting strangers has become easier, starting a relationship has become easier, but finding the right person seems harder than ever.
Instead of complaining, it’s better to adapt—making the most of the vast online resources and not missing any opportunity to meet potential partners. Don’t let yourself be trapped by the dilemma of love before sex or sex before love. Follow your feelings, focus on your experience, and one thing is certain:
The right person will always respect your wishes and feelings—no matter which path you choose, it’s the right answer.
5 Types of Sexual Encounters You Might Regret
Sex can be a beautiful experience, but without caution, it may also cause physical and emotional harm. Here, TwoRedBeans relationship consultants want to remind everyone—especially single women—to avoid certain sexual encounters that could lead to regret:
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Sex Under the Influence of Alcohol
A drink or two isn’t a bad thing, but alcohol can impair judgment and lead to impulsive sexual decisions. If you can’t guarantee a clear mind and sound judgment, it’s best to avoid intimacy after drinking. -
Sex Without Understanding or Communication
A U.S. study on young adults’ sexual behavior found that those who didn’t discuss expectations and boundaries beforehand were more likely to regret it afterward. Before engaging in sex, it’s best to have an open conversation about each other’s views on intimacy to ensure mutual understanding and agreement. And remember—it’s always okay to say no if you feel uncomfortable. -
Sex Out of Loneliness or Emptiness
Feeling lonely while single may lead to engaging in sexual activity with others to fill an emotional void. However, without genuine emotional connection, it can leave one feeling empty and regretful afterward. Learn to enrich your life by cultivating hobbies, participating in social activities, or acquiring new skills—these are positive ways to cope with loneliness.
- Unprotected Sex
Lack of safety awareness and sexual education has led to countless serious consequences. Educate yourself on relationships and sexuality, and always ensure protective measures are taken, no matter the circumstances.
- Peer-Pressured Sex
In certain social circles where casual attitudes toward sex prevail, one might engage in sexual activity just to fit in—not out of genuine desire. Don’t let others misguide your views on relationships, and distance yourself from unhealthy environments.
Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash(https://unsplash.com/jeshoots)
Sex isn’t a taboo topic, and intimacy before love isn’t some outrageous concept.
If one day you sleep with someone, I hope it’s not out of loneliness or just to go along with them, but because you clearly know it’s a choice fully aligned with your body and heart—and that they feel the same way.
Then, whether sooner or later, early or late, it’s the right time.
Cover Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris(https://unsplash.com/joshrh19?utm_contentcreditCopyTextutm_mediumreferralutm_sourceunsplash) on Unsplash.
Original article in simplified Chinese. Translated by AI.