1. When Insecurity Extinguishes Every Opening Line

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Jason’s service profile included three keywords noted by the matchmaking consultant at 2RedBeans:

Height anxiety, social mutism, habitual people-pleasing.

This 28-year-old lifelong single programmer always overprepares before dates—memorizing stand-up comedy routines, studying latte art techniques, even calculating the optimal height difference between restaurant chairs—

Yet the moment his date sits down, all his rehearsed witty opening lines shrink into a single tense question:

Would you like an Americano or a latte? My treat.

Men plagued by insecurity often fall into the vicious cycle of overpreparation:

His 170cm height, while not a dealbreaker, makes him sit as stiff as a ruler on every date. Despite earning a decent salary in the Bay Area, he insists on paying for $15 coffees to prove, I’m not trying to take advantage.

He deciphers every social cue through the lens of insecurity:

A 5-minute delay She must not be interested in me after all.

Receiving the compliment You have a great personality Translates to That’s all you’ve got going for you.

During an in-depth consultation, the matchmaking consultant identified the core contradiction:

You always rush to label yourself as unqualified before others can even judge you.

This is the story of a somewhat sensitive and insecure young man who, after three months of counseling with a relationship advisor, not only broke free from his blank romantic history but also began to make peace with his imperfections.

With his consent, today we’ll recount this journey in the first person—not as a success story cliché, but as a real-life example of an ordinary guy breaking free from the chains of self-doubt.

II. The Real Transformation Diary of a 28-Year-Old Never-Been-in-a-Relationship Programmer

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(1) Turns Out My Problem Wasn’t Being Poor or Ugly

When I first met the matchmaking advisor at Two Red Beans, I was in a strange state: I could write complex machine learning models but couldn’t figure out how to craft a decent dating profile.

After listening to my list of hardware flaws, the advisor laughed:

According to our backend data from the past three years, men who are 170cm tall get into relationships 17 faster on average than those who are 180cm.

What’s holding you back isn’t your circumstances—it’s your sense of unworthiness. It’s like someone hands you a slice of cake, and you think you only deserve the crumbs that fall off.

The first exercise she made me do nearly killed me:

30 Days of Documenting My Strengths

For the first three days, I stared blankly at my notebook. On the fourth day, I reluctantly wrote down, Can fix printers.

By the tenth day, a colleague suddenly handed me a cup of milk tea: Last time, you noticed I forgot to book my flight home—you literally saved me.

Clutching the warm cup, my nose suddenly stung—what I saw as barely passing had been someone else’s lifeline.

Image by tisza ferahma on Pixabay

That day, I effortlessly wrote my seventh strength: Notices others’ unspoken needs.

The matchmaker circled it and added:

Insecure people see themselves through tinted lenses—even the brightest strengths appear dull.

She taught me two daily rituals before leaving home:

1. Say to the bathroom mirror, Today, I allow myself to be liked.
2. Jot down three concrete wins in my phone’s notes, even if it’s just Held the door for a delivery rider.

(II) Turn Nerves Into a Highlight Filter

The image makeover was simpler than expected. The matchmaker tossed me three Presence Hacks:

Three-Second Memory Outfit Hack — Snap a full-body selfie before leaving home each day, then cycle through the three most-liked looks from the past week (Data doesn’t lie—way more reliable than overthinking it).

Presence Perfume — Keep a citrus-scented hand cream on your desk and apply a dab before chatting with female colleagues (Subtler than cologne, but makes you seem effortlessly fresh).

Power Bank Networking — Always carry an extra Type-C cable in your bag (Saying ‘I’ve got a charger’ subconsciously boosts your likability by 10 points).

The real turning point came at the office welcome party.

As I recalled the dating coach’s advice—Insecure guys overanalyze conversations and miss chances, but raw nervousness can actually be endearing—I practiced the Three-Breath Rule in the restroom mirror:

First exhale: I can’t.
Second inhale: Try anyway.
Third exhale: Swap What if they laugh at me? for Worst case, I’ll drown my sorrows in three pieces of fried chicken.

Image by Yuemu Hunzhu Cdd20 via Pixabay

As I sidled up to the design teams table with my juice, I overheard the new hire in the floral dress complaining: Can anyone teach me how to tell programmers apart from product managers?

Channeling the detail-replacement technique my dating consultant taught me, I chimed in: The ones in plaid shirts who still have hair are programmers. Those who say closed-loop and empowerment are product managers.

While the whole table erupted in laughter, she turned to me with sparkling eyes: Then what about someone carrying a bear-shaped power bank?

Holding up the pink bear charm on my bag, I replied: This ones special—it specializes in devouring people who make unreasonable demands.

Later, she told me my hands were shaking so badly the juice nearly spilled that day, but my delivery—like reciting the WiFi password as Morse code—was impressively convincing.

The consultant was right:

Nervousness is the highest form of sincerity—a stutter is worth ten times more than smooth talk.

(3) Turning Bad at Conversation Into a Secret Weapon

I used to think dating was a stand-up comedy competition—until my matchmaking consultant hit me with a statistic:

85 of women prioritize conversation quality over frequency.

The consultant armed me with a communication playbook:

When she says Work was exhausting today, dont reply with Get some rest. Instead ask: Did your PM stir up trouble again? (Detailed follow-ups show genuine interest)

When she says, Ive been learning photography lately, dont ask, What camera do you use? Instead, ask, You must have some unposted masterpieces hidden in your phone, right? (Divergent thinking sparks the urge to share.)

If you notice she’s changed her nail art, don’t just say, Looks nice. Instead, say, This shade of red really complements your skin tone. (The rule of specific compliments.)

When conversation lulls, be honest: Suddenly, I don’t know what to say—maybe you’re making me a little nervous. (Breaking the script creates authenticity.)

Last Friday after overtime, we got stuck in a convenience store during a sudden downpour. She pointed at my canvas tote and asked, Don’t programmers usually wear backpacks?

I used the Pain Point Resonance Technique my consultant taught me: A backpack can fit requirement documents, but not the emergency heart pills I need after dealing with clients.

She laughed so hard she knocked over her oden cup, and the rising steam blurred the job titles and ranks between us.

Now, every time we pass the break room, she taps her thermos against my coffee cup: Has the little bear eaten anyone today?

I know—when someone starts catching your terrible jokes, spring can’t be far away.

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(4) When Imperfection Becomes the Secret Code

The final assignment my dating consultant gave me was downright bizarre:

For three weeks straight, I documented every self-deprecating thought, then crossed each one out with factual evidence.

You always say, She wouldn’t like the real me, but last week at the team event, when you admitted you were afraid of the dark, didn’t that girl immediately share about her claustrophobia?

The dating consultant pointed at my notes. See? Showing vulnerability actually created a moment of connection.

That’s when I realized—the flaws I was ashamed of could, in the right context, become bridges.

As the consultant put it:

A self-doubting person’s radar is finely tuned to others’ emotions—it’s the highest form of empathy.

The breakthrough came on a rainy night during overtime. She was crouched in the stairwell, quietly wiping away tears. My instinct was to flee, but then I remembered the vulnerability resonance technique the consultant taught me—

Handing her a tissue, I said, I come here to stress-eat cookies when I’m anxious too.

She laughed through red-rimmed eyes. So that’s why there are always Oreo crumbs behind the fire extinguisher.

Later, she told me that line made her feel permission to be weak.

Image by Sophia on Pixabay

When I finally gathered the courage to admit in a weekly meeting, I didn’t understand this requirement, I was surprised to see three colleagues simultaneously breathe a sigh of relief—turns out, no one else dared to expose their weakness either.

What truly helped me make peace with myself was a cognitive reframing exercise taught by my relationship coach. She broke down my self-doubt logic like code:

If they didn’t reply promptly:

Original program:
else return They hate me

Upgraded version:
else if possible scenarios:

1. In a meeting (38 probability)
2. Phone died (22 probability)
3. Overthinking how to reply (15 probability)
4. Actually not interested (25 probability)

Your brain is like a device running malicious plugins—it always defaults to the worst-case scenario.

She had me label negative assumptions daily, and I gradually realized 78 of my fears never materialized.

The confession happened in the least rom-com-like setting—during a paper jam in the office printer.

As I crouched, wrestling with the tray, she suddenly said, The way you fix things is really… My heart stopped, bracing for a you’re such a nice guy rejection.

…really comforting. She set a coffee beside me. It makes me want to stay close.

Turns out, what moves hearts was never perfection. The most precious gift we insecure souls offer is precisely that unpolished sincerity.

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III. A Relationship Coach’s Survival Guide for the Insecure

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A classic study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2004) revealed that people typically rate themselves 17-23 lower than how others actually perceive them (Kruger Dunning, 2004)—

The flaws you see in yourself may be the very traits that make you uniquely memorable to others.

Jasons story illustrates this cognitive bias—

When he reframed his nervous tics as comedic material and replaced rehearsed people-pleasing with power bank-sharing, what he considered personal shortcomings became distinctive traits that made him stand out among colleagues—and unexpectedly magnetic in romance.

Dating consultants often cut to the chase:

The self-doubting habitually magnify imperfections while overlooking how minor behavioral tweaks can spark transformation.

Rather than draining yourself with anxiety, recalibrate your social signals through these three actionable approaches:

1. Start with Micro-Certainty

Perform one concrete self-nurturing act daily: refreshing your balcony plants, applying hand cream with care, or telling your mirror reflection You did well today.

A 2021 study published in a Nature sub-journal found that simply writing down three small positive things from your day before bed—for just two weeks—reduces the brains sensitivity to negative thoughts.

When you make a habit of caring for yourself, the steady energy you radiate naturally attracts like-minded people.

2. Create an Organic Encounter Vibe

Visit the same café, gym, or bookstore every week.

Social psychology’s mere exposure effect shows that people tend to develop a preference for familiar faces.

No need to rush into conversation—let the bakery owner remember your favorite croissant first, or let the girl you always see on morning runs get used to your blue sneakers.

A sense of safety is love’s best incubator.

3. Follow the 60 Ready, Go! Rule

When you meet someone interesting, don’t wait until you’re 100 ready to act.

Send that text after only three edits, or ask them out after finding just two common topics.

A University of Chicago study tracking over 2,000 couples revealed that more than 60 of partners had awkward first dates (like spilling coffee or stumbling over words)—yet those little mishaps made them more memorable.

A stuttered Can I borrow one earbud? is far more heart-fluttering than a meticulously planned confession.

Remember: Rejection ≠ Youre Unworthy

Image by Yu Mu Hun Zhu Cdd20 on Pixabay

A Cambridge University study analyzing 2 million dates found that most people need five or six tries before meeting the right one.

After each gentle rejection, pick yourself up a small seashell—the tide may push it to a thousand wrong shores, but somewhere, a sandpit’s curve will perfectly match the grooves on its back.

Original article in simplified Chinese. Translated by AI.