What are the effects of being in a long-term sexless marriage?

In the quiet of a late-night bedroom, two phone screens glow silently in the dark. Her fingers scroll intently through various Q&As on "how to restore intimacy after childbirth"; he wears headphones, absorbed in short videos about "the impact of work stress on marital life."

This scene vividly sketches a typical portrait of contemporary sexless marriages-

We are better at "talking" about love than ever before, yet worse at "making" love than ever before.

Multiple authoritative studies on marriage reveal a thought-provoking phenomenon: a significant proportion of married individuals (commonly believed to be over one-third) are experiencing low-frequency or sexless marriages. What’s even more surprising is that, within these "silent marriages," most people still rate their marital satisfaction at 7 out of 10 or higher.

This may well confirm the state depicted earlier: when the gears of life mesh together seamlessly, physical distance becomes an acceptable compromise. We no longer ask, "Why don’t we touch each other anymore?" Instead, we’ve learned to find another form of默契 (tacit understanding) in the daily routines of paying mortgages and raising children.

Yet, in the stillness of the night, that unspoken divide suddenly becomes clear-

It turns out we have long grown accustomed to no longer yearning for each other.

Image provided by Indhira Adhista on Pixabay

I. Five "Dormant" Patterns of Sexless Marriages

The silence of a sexless marriage is not monolithic; it often cloaks itself in various forms of "disguise." Couples lacking intimate contact often fall into several typical "dormant" states-outwardly, things may seem calm, but internally, each has its own reasons for stagnation. Here are the five most common patterns:

1. The Roommate Marriage: The Most Familiar Strangers

They are efficient life partners, able to pinpoint the exact storage location of each other’s shirts and remember the due dates for utility bills. Daily communication resembles a meticulous work memo: "Property fee paid," "You handle the parent-teacher meeting tomorrow," "Remember to buy blood pressure medication"-yet it lacks warm expressions like "I missed you today." The core of this pattern lies in the over-functionalization of the relationship, like a precisely operating machine that has forgotten the lubricant needed to nurture emotional connection. When all energy is devoted to maintaining the household’s operations, intimacy itself is forgotten.

2. The Post-Trauma Marriage: The Body Is More Honest Than the Heart

A casual postpartum remark, a forgotten wedding anniversary, or accumulated minor hurts left unaddressed. Every conflict left unresolved, every emotional need ignored, leaves a mark deep within the soul and builds an invisible barrier on a physical level-unconscious tension when a partner draws near, instinctive avoidance-these are the body’s more honest language. The body’s memory is far more stubborn and enduring than the mind’s capacity to forget.

3. Energy-Saving Marriage: Love Enters Power-Saving Mode

From the "a day apart feels like three years" intensity of the honeymoon phase to the current "three years apart feels just right for some peace and quiet." This kind of marriage is like an operating system that hasn’t been updated in years, forced to shut down all "non-essential" functions just to keep running. Eventually, couple interactions are reduced to the most basic notifications: forwarding class group messages, sharing locations for family dinners. Intimate contact is seen as a high-energy "luxury app," the first to be closed when energy is low.

4. Time-Zone Marriage: Living in Parallel Universes

Such couples seem to live in different time zones. Statistics from time management software often reveal a harsh reality: their daily "effective overlapping time" averages less than 30 minutes-even less than the time spent with ordinary colleagues. Intimate moments require meticulous coordination, much like scheduling an international meeting. The high-pressure environment of modern workplaces and the unequal distribution of childcare responsibilities are the main drivers behind this "time difference." When couples cannot even guarantee basic time together, their intimacy naturally withers like a river without a source.

5. Migratory Marriage: The Norm of Being Apart More Than Together

Job relocations, long-distance education, caring for parents in different cities... practical factors force couples into long-term or periodic separation. Physical distance becomes the most direct and hardest-to-overcome obstacle. Brief reunions are like "migratory birds returning to the nest," often filled with jet lag, exhaustion, or accumulated trivial matters, making it difficult to quickly reestablish intimacy. Prolonged separation not only cuts off physical contact but may also thin emotional bonds in silence. After growing accustomed to the rhythm of living alone, "being together" requires readjustment.

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II. 6 Hidden Drivers of Sexless Marriages

Beneath the surface calm, the causes of sexless marriages are often deeply intertwined. It is not a sudden malfunction but a web woven over time by multiple "hidden drivers"-these factors lurk at the intersection of physical sensations, psychological dynamics, life pressures, and social conditioning.

1. The Never-Ending Pace of Life

Demanding workloads, lengthy commutes, and endless daily chores leave both body and mind perpetually exhausted. When energy is completely drained, "sexual desire" is often the first thing to be sacrificed. Physical fatigue is the most direct coolant for passion.

2. The Deep Drain of Parenting Pressure

From infants’ cries to teenagers’ academic pressures, the responsibilities of parenting (often disproportionately shouldered by mothers) consume time, energy, and emotion on all fronts. When parents themselves are emptied out, little intimate space remains for their partners.

3. Alarms from Body and Mind

Postpartum recovery, hormonal fluctuations, chronic illnesses or medication side effects, and menopausal discomfort-these physiological changes can all directly put the body on "pause." At the same time, unresolved past conflicts, accumulated grievances, or emotional neglect leave deep imprints on the psyche, causing the body to unconsciously "tense up" or "pull away" when a partner draws near.

4. Chronic Overdraft of the "Emotional Bank Account"

The accumulation of daily disputes, the lack of effective communication, the decline in praise and appreciation, the disappearance of romantic elements... all these silently deplete the emotional bond between partners. When the "emotional bank account" is chronically in deficit, intimate contact becomes an unaffordable "luxury."

5. The Battle for Attention in the "Digital World"

Smartphones, social media, short-form videos... these "digital companions" are constantly vying for attention. Immersing ourselves in the blue glow of screens before bed has become a more "habitual" choice than falling asleep in each other's arms, severely encroaching on intimate space.

6. The Subtle Evolution of Marriage Perspectives

The meaning of marriage is no longer solely tied to sex and procreation. Partners are also life companions and emotional pillars. This progressive mindset has its positive aspects, but it may also lead some couples to believe that "as long as other aspects are harmonious, the relationship can be sustained without a sexual life" (even though the other party may not necessarily agree).

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III. Four Commonly Misunderstood Truths About Sexless Marriages

Popular opinion often simplistically labels sexless marriages as failures, but psychology and science reveal a more complex reality and diverse possibilities.

1. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Don't think of it as a switch that suddenly turns off one day. Research shows that sexless marriages are more like a prolonged sunset, stemming from countless unnoticed micro-distancing actions in daily life. That barely perceptible half-inch retreat when a partner leans in, the habitual click of the bathroom lock during showers, the gradual disappearance of hug emojis in chat windows, the late-night脱口而出的 "some other time." Each of these seemingly insignificant acts of avoidance invisibly cools the relationship. Accumulate to a certain point, and intimacy seems to evaporate naturally. Understanding this gradual process is the first step to reconnecting-paying attention to those subtle signals of moving closer or pushing away.

2. Those who avoid intimacy may be overcompensating elsewhere.

The person who always works overtime to avoid intimate moments might be silently taking on all the household chores. The partner who gently declines physical contact might remember every detail of your life. Psychology calls this "overcompensation": it’s not that they don’t love, but rather they strive to be "perfect" in other areas-often through acts of service or material provision-to balance the guilt stemming from their avoidance of intimacy, attempting to prove their worth. While this effort is commendable, it sidesteps the core issue. True intimacy requires emotional and physical presence; it cannot be replaced by doing the laundry or cooking meals. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward opening an honest dialogue.

3. The real alarm is when even disappointment disappears.

The absence of a sex life does not, in itself, sentence a marriage to death. Many partners still find deep satisfaction in spiritual resonance, mutual support, and life collaboration, maintaining a high-quality relationship. Psychology points out that the real danger signal is when both parties enter the "indifference zone": you no longer remember the last time you held hands, nor feel even a trace of regret or a desire for change. This calm acceptance signifies that the original motivation to repair the relationship has extinguished. When "sexlessness" transitions from a concern to an unquestioned background noise, that is the moment when the core of the relationship begins to loosen. Maintaining awareness of intimacy is more important than frequency itself.

4. A Happy Marriage Can Exist Without Sex, But Not Without Connection

Societal narratives often equate a lack of sex with failure, but this perspective is overly simplistic. Marriage is a multidimensional network of connections. When both partners are highly aligned in emotional support, deep conversations, shared goals, mutual respect, and life默契 (tacit understanding), and can communicate openly while accepting the current situation, a sexless marriage can still provide profound security and fulfillment.

IV. Four Counterintuitive Actions to Rekindle Intimacy

When sexual intimacy has been stagnant for a long time, attempting direct sexual contact may be counterproductive. 2RedBeans Relationship Advisors suggest four non-sexual intimate behaviors to help gradually rebuild physical trust.

1. Awaken Body Memory

Rebuilding connection can start with the simplest, most non-sexual forms of physical touch. Applying hand cream for each other is like gentle rehabilitation for long-dormant tactile nerves. A solid hug every day and a few minutes of focused shoulder massage can slowly melt frozen feelings. Neuroscience research supports this: non-sexual intimate touch also promotes the release of oxytocin (the "cuddle hormone"), effectively reducing stress and enhancing emotional bonds. The key is to start small, progress step by step, and avoid putting pressure on each other.

2. Try a "Micro Betrayal"

Psychological studies reveal that fresh shared experiences can effectively reboot the brain's desire system. Try slipping home during a weekday lunch break for a brief "couple's time," or switch your usual date spot from the living room couch to a unique café, a cozy corner in a bookstore, or even a thoughtfully decorated corner of the garage. These small adventures that break the routine often spark unexpected passion. There’s no need for dramatic changes-sometimes, just a change of scenery is enough to awaken dormant feelings.

3. Create Dedicated "Honeymoon Time"

Instead of passively waiting for "spontaneous" romantic moments (which may never come), take the initiative to create and protect dedicated time for just the two of you. For example, agree that every Wednesday at 9 PM, no matter how busy you are, you’ll pause everything and give each other 30 minutes of focused, uninterrupted attention. This intentional ritual might feel a bit forced at first, but it effectively breaks the cycle of emotional distance. The key is to treat this time as a sacred, non-negotiable "top priority," just like the most important meeting. After a few weeks, your body’s memory and sense of intimacy will gradually reawaken.

4. Say "I Want You" in a Different Way

Updating communication methods can create new possibilities for restarting a relationship. Try replacing the accusatory "You never touch me anymore" with "I miss the warmth of your fingers." Substitute the straightforward but potentially pressuring "Do you want to tonight?" with "I booked a two-hour rest room at XX Hotel-I’d love some time alone with you." This kind of "version upgrade" in your language system can lower the other person’s defenses and open new pathways for intimacy. Always remember: you are allies standing on the same side, facing problems together, not opposing parties. Use more "I-statements" that express your own feelings and needs, and avoid accusatory "you-statements."

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V. There Is No One-Size-Fits-All Answer to a Happy Marriage

The core indicator of marital happiness has never been the frequency of sexual intimacy.

A ten-year study by Japanese researchers found that couples who maintained a regular sex life reported an average happiness score of 8.2, while emotionally harmonious sexless partners also reached a score of 7.5.

This small gap reveals a crucial truth: standards set by others are far less important than your own genuine feelings.

The most dangerous trap in marriage is blindly adhering to the "perfect frequency" published in magazines or the "healthy number" listed in medical handbooks. These figures are like ill-fitting shoes-flashy on the outside but causing pain with every step.

In an era that celebrates diverse values, the recipe for marital happiness is far from a one-size-fits-all product. Some revel in the fiery passion of a spicy hotpot, while others prefer the gentle companionship of a simple meal. The key lies in both partners being able to openly and sincerely affirm: "Our current way of being together makes me feel comfortable, fulfilled, and loved."

When physical intimacy enters a dormant phase, it becomes a moment to test the essence of the relationship. Truly mature partners will discover during this time that the默契 (tacit understanding) accumulated in daily life-the shared aroma of morning coffee, childhood memories shared late at night, or the warm water naturally offered when the other is sick-forms a more resilient bond. The body may pause its dialogue, but the resonance of the soul never ceases.

Therefore, when facing a sexless phase, rather than chasing an elusive "standard answer," it’s better to anchor yourself in the essence of the relationship: that deep understanding and acceptance.

Let go of the obsession with frequency, and see this moment as a precious calibration-a mutual confirmation and commitment to protect the rhythm that truly belongs to the two of you, allowing your souls to breathe freely.

Image provided by olcay ertem on Pixabay.

Cover Photo by Indhira Adhista on Pixabay.

Original article in simplified Chinese. Translated by AI.