Let me start by posing a heart-wrenching question: Do any of you have it all - decent looks, stable job, financial independence, and are even praised by friends as the “perfect partner”, but when it comes to relationships, find yourself being dumped within a few months? It’s a little frustrating, isn’t it? With so much going for you, why is dating so hard?

The problem isn’t your qualifications, but a more “invisible” factor - emotional value. While good qualifications can attract people, they are tangible things like income, appearance, and education, which can be quantified. But emotional value is different; it can’t be measured by numbers, yet it directly affects the daily interactions and quality of the relationship between two people.

How often have you heard someone say “I like a partner with a sense of humor”? Humor is a kind of emotional value. It’s not quantifiable, but it can make you relax, feel happy, and make your interactions enjoyable. If you have a super humorous partner who can always make you laugh until your stomach aches, the small troubles in life suddenly disappear. Even if this person is average in terms of qualifications, you may feel very comfortable being with them. But if a person, no matter how good their qualifications, doesn’t bring you joy or lack engaging interactions, wouldn’t they be less attractive?

At the beginning of a relationship, attraction can be based on qualifications, but for it to last, it has to be supported by emotional value. If you only look at qualifications and ignore the other person’s emotional needs, the relationship can easily lose balance. The other person may feel misunderstood, uncared for, and increasingly desolate, leaving no choice but to separate.

Next, let’s delve into what emotional value is, and how to enhance your own emotional value to prevent being “dumped” in a relationship!

The Science of Love: Why Qualifications Can’t Sustain a Relationship?

We often assume that the better the qualifications, the more stable the relationship, but reality isn’t so. The long-term maintenance of a relationship requires constant positive feedback in daily interactions. Those moments that make each other feel warm and supported, like “extra credits” in a relationship, gradually strengthen the emotional bond between two people. However, conflicts, neglect, and misunderstandings encountered during interactions can “deduct points” from the relationship, bit by bit, consuming the passion and trust within the relationship. Without positive emotional support, even excellent qualifications can hardly compensate for the long-term accumulation of negative emotions.

Let’s look at qualifications themselves. What we usually refer to as “qualifications” are those visible, quantifiable aspects, such as income, education, appearance, and even social status. Although these qualifications can indeed attract the other person and establish initial goodwill, love is about the long-term interaction between two people, and merely relying on “hardware qualifications” is far from enough. Often, what truly impacts the relationship are the emotional values accumulated in the details of life, such as care, understanding, and support - these are invisible and intangible, yet they play an extremely important role in intimate relationships.

In fact, psychological theories such as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, attachment theory, and the so-called “love hormone” effect can help us understand this issue. Love is not just about “looking attractive”, it’s more about satisfying each other’s emotional needs. Let’s delve into this.

Listen to the exclusive Seven Lessons, Using Scientific Thinking to Gain High-Quality Love audio course produced by Two Red Beans.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Satisfying Different Levels of Needs

According to psychologist Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, people’s needs range from physiological needs, safety needs, social needs, esteem needs, to self-actualization needs. Good qualifications can indeed satisfy some needs, such as a material foundation providing a sense of security, and excellent looks and social status bringing a sense of social recognition. But that’s not enough! A long-term relationship requires deeper emotional needs, such as understanding and support.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is well-qualified in many aspects, but she always feels emotionally unsatisfied because he doesn’t express care or understand how to listen. She often feels lonely and her sense of security diminishes. Maslow’s theory tells us that physiological and safety needs are just the basics, but the higher needs in intimate relationships are esteem and emotional connection. Qualifications are bonus points, but what keeps people in a relationship is genuine support and emotional resonance.

Image provided by Denise Husted on Pixabay

Attachment Theory: Security, Support, and Understanding Are at the Heart of a Relationship

Attachment theory also emphasizes that what people need most in a relationship is emotional security, support, and understanding. People’s attachment needs are not just about satisfying material needs, but about needing a sense of emotional belonging and dependability. If you have excellent qualifications, but can’t make the other person feel understood and supported, they will still feel lonely or neglected.

I know a friend who is very qualified, but isn’t sensitive to his partner’s emotions, always proceeding from his own perspective, neglecting the other person’s feelings. Whenever the other person is having a hard time, he would always brush it off or even change the subject. Over time, the other person feels unsupported emotionally and eventually chooses to break up. So, attachment theory tells us that the core of a relationship is to make the other person feel safe and supported, which qualifications cannot provide. The Chemistry of Love: When the “Hormonal Effect” Wanes, Emotional Value is Key

Let’s talk about the “love hormone” effect. In the early stages of a relationship, our bodies release “love hormones” like dopamine and norepinephrine, which fill us with passion for each other, also known as the “honeymoon period”. But as time goes by, this intoxicating feeling slowly diminishes.

When the hormonal effect wanes, passion is no longer the support for the relationship, but the emotional value in daily life. If you can continuously provide emotional support and understanding, even if the hormones fade, the relationship will remain warm. But if you only rely on qualifications and lack warm interactions and emotional connections, both parties will gradually feel that the relationship is “fading”, and the relationship may eventually come to an end.

Qualifications Can Only Attract People in the Short Term, Emotional Value Can Sustain a Relationship in the Long Run

So, good qualifications can indeed help you attract the other person in the early stages of a relationship, but a long-term relationship depends on emotional value. If the other person can’t satisfy their emotional needs in the relationship, lacking a sense of security and understanding, the attractiveness of the relationship will gradually disappear.

What truly solidifies a relationship is not material conditions, but mutual care and emotional support. Next, let’s take a closer look at the specific manifestations of emotional value, to enhance your “soft power”, so you no longer have to worry about being “frequently dumped despite having good qualifications”!

Emotional Value: The Key to a Deeper Relationship

Friends, relying solely on “good qualifications” is not enough when it comes to dating! The secret to a lasting relationship lies in emotional value. What is emotional value? It is making the other person in the relationship feel understood and cared for, knowing that they are special to you. Emotional value is the “soft power” in a relationship, making your relationship stronger and sweeter.

I’ve summarized several ways to enhance emotional value: listening and understanding, emotional support, and those daily little cares and little romances. Here’s a brief list, if you want to know more about the wonderful use of emotional value, you can check out my recommended article What is Emotional Value, and How Do I Provide Emotional Value?

Listening and Understanding: Patiently Listen to Their Heartfelt Thoughts

Many times, when the other person confides in you, they are not looking for an immediate answer, but need you to listen quietly. Listening itself is emotional support! I suggest patiently listening, without interrupting or changing the subject. The focus is not on how you respond, but on making the other person feel valued.

Emotional Support: Accompanying and Encouraging, Not “Giving Advice”

Sometimes, emotional value is reflected in companionship and support, not in giving advice. We need to be a “backbone”, letting the other person know “I’m here”. For example, when the other person is under pressure, don’t rush to say “why not quit”, instead say “you’re working hard, I support you no matter what”. This kind of support will give the other person more strength to face difficulties.

Little Cares and Little Romances: The Warmth in Daily Life

The little cares and little romances in life often reflect emotional value. For example, remembering the other person’s important days, preparing a little surprise for them; ordering a milk tea when they’re working overtime. Even a simple “you’ve worked hard today, rest early” can make the other person feel warm. These details may seem insignificant, but they can make the relationship closer.

Other Possible Reasons: Other Factors for Being Dumped Despite Having Good Qualifications

Many people think that if they have good qualifications, dating should be smooth. But in my conversations with the dating consultants at Two Red Beans, I found that people with good qualifications sometimes have some invisible issues that cause cracks in the relationship. Many well-qualified single men and women often fall into the traps of control, self-centeredness, or unequal treatment in relationships, leading to a fading of the relationship. Let’s delve deeper into these issues!

Neglect of Emotional Needs

Dating consultants have found that some well-qualified people overly focus on material conditions, thinking “I provide a comfortable life, so there should be no problem with the relationship”. But the emotional needs in a relationship can’t be replaced by material things. Consultants point out that many people in relationships only focus on the “qualifications” they offer, neglecting the other person’s emotional needs. Over time, the other person will feel neglected, and even a sense of loss of being “attracted by material, but lacking emotional attention”.

Overemphasis on External Qualifications

Some well-qualified people overly emphasize their external qualifications, such as income, circles, or “resources”. As a result, the other person feels “objectified” in the relationship and not truly valued. Dating consultants say that some people always mention “how qualified the people in my circle are” or “how busy I am” during interactions. Although these are advantages, they make the other person feel “labeled”, rather than understood.

Control or Self-Centeredness

Dating consultants also found that many well-qualified people tend to develop a sense of control, or even be a bit self-centered. Because of their superior qualifications, they are used to dominating the relationship, thinking that the other person should accommodate to them, and even don’t consider the other person when making decisions. This mindset of “I’m well-qualified, I’m in charge” puts pressure on the other person and causes dissatisfaction over time, making them feel they don’t have an equal say in the relationship.

Poor Conflict Communication

Another phenomenon is that many well-qualified people become impatient when dealing with conflicts, or even adopt a “high and mighty” attitude. Every time there is a dispute, they may avoid it or give the silent treatment, thinking “I’m well-qualified, you should accommodate me”, resulting in accumulating problems, eventually leading the relationship to the brink of collapse.

In conclusion, while good qualifications are important, the real maintenance of a relationship lies in equality, understanding, and emotional value. I hope my analysis can help you avoid detours in your relationships, and win a long-lasting relationship with emotional value and sincerity!

Cover Photo by Denise Johnson on Upsplash.